shifting sands

I came home from work yesterday beat down by life. Over tired, under-slept, dogged by anxiety and fear and a with a whole bunch of mean girls yapping in my head. (Today has been bad too, but in different ways.)

In an attempt to shift my energy, I grabbed the two pieces of junk mail that comprised my mail -- a clothing catalog, and a snazzy publication from my college degree program alumni society. I sat down at my kitchen table, my little joy nook, with those magazines and my current journal and asked "what do I need to hear?"

Then I went through the two magazines ripping out any words that spoke to me. Whatever caught my eye. Whatever I thought might answer my question. 

I started doing these found poems using words cut out of magazines recently during Hannah Marcotti's JoyUP and they always inspire me. (Some day remind me to share my manifesto that brought me back to this practice!) After a bit of tearing and cutting I ended up with twelve words or phrases on the table and then I tossed the magazines into the recycling and sat down to see what I could make out of the words. 

I try not to think about this process a whole lot while I'm working.  Sometimes words just seem to cling to one another. This one wasn't a clear as some of the other ones I've done, but in the end I came up with this:

The rooftop image was completely me listening to my intuition. I'm still not wholely sure what it means. Something about the windows is my best guess. But it wanted to be on the page and who was I to argue?! (And hopefully I'll find something to put in that seal that I colored over to block out the words that weren't relevant.)

The title is Re: thinking and the text reads:

Insights

are

effortless beautiful gifts, 

radiant,

colorful,

fluid,

sensations.

Here {hear}

the next step.

You will lead the way...

The "are" and the "{hear}" I added with letter stickers to make things flow better. Otherwise I used every word I cut out. Sometimes I don't. Again I try to listen to the voice in my head.

Which turns out to be the answer to the question I started with "What do I need to hear?"

MYSELF. I will lead the way. A little love note to myself asking for more quiet time. More room to hear what is inside myself. 

I don't always want to listen. I don't always like what's inside my head. But its clear that I've got to find more time to sift through the bad, and encourage the good stuff to come out. But damn is that scary!! I know that some of my anxiety lately is thanks to all this soulwork I've been doing. It's jogging things loose that have been kept caged for a long time and so its a bit of a wilderness in my head right now. And so I listen.

Hear the next step....

Send breadcrumbs, okay???

note in a bottle

Note to self: Keep looking up. 

To no one's surprise, least of all mine, the cure for a crappy work day is to go and sit on a blanket in the grass in a local park with your friends, and watch other friends do Shakespeare! A perfect evening. Even the storm clouds waited until the last scene to roll in! Next time I'm bringing a full-on picnic (and maybe a pillow) for added awesome!

just a shadow of myself today.

Having a foggy day. Not really sick, but not well either. Would like above all things to sleep the day away.

Ideally, I would have been able to call in sick and spend the day in bed. But this is one of our busiest times at work, and I am just this side of functional, so here I am at work.

Days like this I have to strip self-care back to its very essence. There's just not enough energy for more than this.

Lemon water. No fancy organic lemon wedges hand squeezed here today. A bottle of water. A packet of crystallized lemon juice. Combine. The very basic basics.

A bagel bought here in the library coffee shop. Cream cheese even though it may not be the best thing for me today. Just a little, anyway.

Kindness. Days like this the negative self talk has GOT to go. When you can't wrap yourself in a blanket burrito and shut out the world, you can at least wrap yourself in kindness and say "It's okay baby girl. Just rest. I've got you."

My default uniform of jeans and a soft white cotton top. My most comfortable shoes.

That's it really. Maybe a few pretzels, and perhaps a smoothie later. Whatever is easy.

I seem to be developing two or three levels of self-care. Today's flavor appears to be called something like "What do you absolutely require to be able to hold yourself together and get through the day?" With a subset of "Hold tight and hope tomorrow's better."

I added a picture to my tumblr this morning. Tagged it "uplift." That's what self-care feels like for me today somehow...

(photo link)

Lessons from the Universe

Backyard cookout for one. Full blue moon. Hello extra-special Tuesday.

I found myself last night sitting in the dark, watching the moon rise, and attempting this bubble meditation exercise I was given in a recent class. The gist of it is using the floating bubbles to focus your thoughts. Awesome. Except it wasn't working. I just kept watching the bubbles and losing track of my thoughts.

But I'm trying, going with the flow, seeing what develops and eventually I realize that almost all the bubbles are being attracted back towards me. So I'm sitting there blowing bubbles, watching them as they come closer, and then *POP* against my skin. Little tiny exploding splashes.

And then I realized.

Bubble kisses.

Hello Joy. Hello self-care. Hello.

I don't have much experience with kisses outside the realm of platonic ones. But they're something I want, and as I'm learning over and over again lately, the universe gives, but you have to be open to receiving things that arrive in ways you never expected.

Bubble. Kisses.

Self. Care.

OK Mama Full Blue Moon Universe, I get you.

first steps. baby steps.

Finding myself on the path to happiness these days, and being a memory-keeping sort of person, I thought I should have a little corner of the internet to write down some of the things I learn along the way.

As long as there are bluebirds, there will be miracles and a way to find happiness.- Shirl Brunnel, "I Hear Bluebirds," 1984

Welcome!

coming soon... still unpacking boxes and figuring out where all the lamps go!