shifting sands

I came home from work yesterday beat down by life. Over tired, under-slept, dogged by anxiety and fear and a with a whole bunch of mean girls yapping in my head. (Today has been bad too, but in different ways.)

In an attempt to shift my energy, I grabbed the two pieces of junk mail that comprised my mail -- a clothing catalog, and a snazzy publication from my college degree program alumni society. I sat down at my kitchen table, my little joy nook, with those magazines and my current journal and asked "what do I need to hear?"

Then I went through the two magazines ripping out any words that spoke to me. Whatever caught my eye. Whatever I thought might answer my question. 

I started doing these found poems using words cut out of magazines recently during Hannah Marcotti's JoyUP and they always inspire me. (Some day remind me to share my manifesto that brought me back to this practice!) After a bit of tearing and cutting I ended up with twelve words or phrases on the table and then I tossed the magazines into the recycling and sat down to see what I could make out of the words. 

I try not to think about this process a whole lot while I'm working.  Sometimes words just seem to cling to one another. This one wasn't a clear as some of the other ones I've done, but in the end I came up with this:

The rooftop image was completely me listening to my intuition. I'm still not wholely sure what it means. Something about the windows is my best guess. But it wanted to be on the page and who was I to argue?! (And hopefully I'll find something to put in that seal that I colored over to block out the words that weren't relevant.)

The title is Re: thinking and the text reads:

Insights

are

effortless beautiful gifts, 

radiant,

colorful,

fluid,

sensations.

Here {hear}

the next step.

You will lead the way...

The "are" and the "{hear}" I added with letter stickers to make things flow better. Otherwise I used every word I cut out. Sometimes I don't. Again I try to listen to the voice in my head.

Which turns out to be the answer to the question I started with "What do I need to hear?"

MYSELF. I will lead the way. A little love note to myself asking for more quiet time. More room to hear what is inside myself. 

I don't always want to listen. I don't always like what's inside my head. But its clear that I've got to find more time to sift through the bad, and encourage the good stuff to come out. But damn is that scary!! I know that some of my anxiety lately is thanks to all this soulwork I've been doing. It's jogging things loose that have been kept caged for a long time and so its a bit of a wilderness in my head right now. And so I listen.

Hear the next step....

Send breadcrumbs, okay???